Posted in Secondary infertility

Loose gravel

I stand here in the same spot I’ve stood in for twenty-nine months now.

Occasionally, I’ve paced.

Always, I’ve hoped.

But I’ve stood here on solid ground.

Twenty-nine months of trying for just one more baby.

If I inch close to the edge of the hill, there’s a patch of loose gravel.

And I know that if I place my foot there, it will give way and I will tumble.

I have worried that if I give up hope and step on that patch, I may not survive the fall.

For all these months, I have avoided it.

Kept my distance.

But now, I’m inching closer.

With my toes, I push at the edge of the loose gravel and I watch the small stones tumble, gaining speed until they finally settle at the bottom of the hill.

The fall, while fast, ends peacefully.

I know that I can’t stand here forever.

I think that I’m ready to take that step.

And for the first time, I feel like once I reach the bottom, I will be okay.

Perhaps even better than okay.

The familiar nudge of contentment…

boy at rivercats game, boy in Giants t-shirt, kids and baseball gamesThe first nudge came on Friday, as I stood between the rows of grapevines, just dripping with the juicy, green grapes of this year’s harvest. As my friend Lisa so generously took some new headshots for me there in the golden sunshine, I felt something familiar.

Yesterday–the first full day that my family has been together in nearly two weeks–that feeling gently pushed at me, softly whispering, “hey…remember me?”

Last night, as we sat on an expanse of freshly cut grass, watching our local minor league baseball team play, I held Matthew in my arms and watched Craig with Katie, explaining the game to her and it tugged at me with a bit more force. As the sun went down and I listened to each crack of the bat and cheer from the crowd, I was truly lost in the moment.

Then this morning, I cleaned out the kids’  toy closet, cleaned and organized my kitchen cabinets and danced in the living room with my babies, it suddenly occurred to me exactly what that feeling is.

It’s happiness. Contentment. Joy.

It has been a while since this feeling has been so incredibly pure…so without the “yeah, buts.”

I’m not ready to say that we’re done trying for our third baby, but what I felt this weekend brought me closer to being able to let that dream go and actually being okay with that.

Time has helped to soothe the painful, sharp edges of our 18-month long battle with secondary infertility. My two babies and my amazing husband are more than I could have ever dreamed of.

And it feels so good to be here…in this beautiful moment.

Blissful.

Grateful.

Peaceful.

 

Defeat

Today’s post is linked up with Write on Edge’s RemembeRED prompt that asked us to…

“…write a story – your choice of topic – as a tweet. That’s right. One hundred and forty characters. Not words. Characters.”

Here’s my offering…

Girl meets boy. Girl falls in love. Girl and boy marry, have baby, then another. Try for one last baby. Try for 14 cycles. Girl is defeated.

About me

Nichole Beaudry @NicholeBeaudry Location: Northern California
Each and every day, I strive to appreciate the wonder, beauty, and whimsy in the small moments, the moments that, when strung together, form a lifetime.
More about Nichole
  • @NicholeBeaudryon Twitter
  • Nichole on Pinterest
  • Nichole on Instagram
  • Nichole on Facebook
  • Nichole on LinkedIn
  • Subscribe to this site's RSS
  • Contact this author

I also write at

all Parenting
She Knows Parenting

Instagram photos