I’m thrilled to have Liz, from a belle, a bean, and a chicago dog as my guest poster on Small Moments Mondays this week.
I’m not sure how she found the time to write this lovely piece for me, as she simply amazes me with just how much she has going on; she’s co-editor at Our Mommyhood, an About One Mom Panel member, and has her own BlogFrog community. Oh, yeah, and two beautiful daughters, an amazing husband, and a gorgeous dog.
Just thinking about all that she accomplishes exhausts me.
Though Liz clearly has tons going on, she still has time to offer a kind word, help you if you’re having trouble, or just make you laugh. She is loved across the blogosphere and I’m truly honored to have her here today.
Thank you, Liz, for sharing your story here.
Waiting — by Liz
I was surprised to hear her voice calling my name. Wasn’t calling patients back for their appointments a task generally reserved for nurses? But with my chart in hand, Dr. Mac ushered me through the door and down an unfamiliar hallway towards ultrasound.
“I’m surprised I haven’t gotten a call yet, begging for Zofran. I figured we should take a look and make sure everything is going well.”
I was somewhere between 6 and 7 weeks pregnant, and even though she wasn’t my OB for my first pregnancy, she knew the full history of my severe hyperemesis, followed by PPD.
Everything looked great that day, and I left with a sense of calm that all was going very well with my 2nd pregnancy.
Appointment #2 was 4 weeks later. It was also the first time I’d get to hear the heartbeat. I was able to leave Kate with a neighbor that day and expected to be in and out with just enough time to get home for Kate’s lunch and nap. After the standard-issue weigh-in and cup-peeing, I was excited for the magical doppler to make it’s appearance from the pocket of Dr. Mac’s white coat.
The cold jelly oozed on my already-popped belly. Dr. Mac nestled the doppler into the goo puddle, and started weaving it back and forth.
No matter the angle she tried, she wasn’t finding a heartbeat.
“You know, I’m going to get a different doppler. I’ll be right back.”
She exited the room as I tried to ease the queasy feeling growing in my gut. I told myself that Dr. Mac would come back in with a different doppler and we’d hear the heartbeat, racing just like Kate’s had at this point.
Unfortunately, doppler #2 did not produce the results I had hoped.
“Let’s get you down to ultrasound and take a better look” as Dr. Mac leaned out of the exam room to peek down the hall. “Oh wait – looks like someone’s in there right now. Just sit tight and I’ll come back and get you as soon as ultrasound is free.”
And with that she left, closing the door behind her.
Waiting, alone, doesn’t do anything but increase the speed at which thoughts run through your head. See, after Baby #1, I swore up and down that I would N.E.V.E.R. have another baby. It took 20 months and the passing of my grandmother before I had a strong urge to jump on the Baby Train again. And even then, my feelings on doing so changed with the day. I started and stopped the pill too many times to count. And it is still unbelievable to me that the planets aligned just right to get pregnant so fast. That all it took was one “try” on a day that I was both off the pill and wanting another baby.
Yes. Getting pregnant with Baby #2 was actually that easy.
And it was that “easy” that made me feel like this really was too good to be true. Maybe I was meant to only have 1 child. I wished we didn’t tell Kate she was going to be a big sister. I had been envisioning us as a family of 4 but apparently that was not in the cards for us.
About 5 minutes into my wait, a nurse came in with my paperwork.
“You’re free to go. We’ll see you back in 4 weeks.”
I sat there, still.
Head hanging down, tears began to fall.
“Dr. Mac couldn’t find a heartbeat. I’m waiting for ultrasound.”
Her face softened, “Oh, honey. I see this happen a lot. Don’t let your mind get the better of you. Just wait and see what the ultrasound shows.”
She handed me a box of tissues and closed the door behind her.
Craig was out of town. How would I call him and give him the bad news? What if I couldn’t reach him? Did I need to wait until he got back home before I told him?
The door opened once again, then Dr. Mac ushered me down the same hallway that 4 weeks earlier had been unknown to me.
I sat down, pulling up my shirt in preparation for the cold goo. Dr. Mac flipped on the ultrasound machine, and as soon as the wand touched my belly, there she was.
Our little peanut.
Moving and kicking.
My entire body relaxed at knowing that all, in fact, was well, and that we would, in fact, be a family of 4.
Now that you’ve read Liz’s amazing story here, please go visit her on her blog. Don’t miss some of my absolute favorites: Through the screen door, How Twitter is like first base, and Warning: Mama Bear approaching.
Don’t forget to follow Liz on Twitter and check out her Facebook page.