Posted in Infertility

The familiar nudge of contentment…

boy at rivercats game, boy in Giants t-shirt, kids and baseball gamesThe first nudge came on Friday, as I stood between the rows of grapevines, just dripping with the juicy, green grapes of this year’s harvest. As my friend Lisa so generously took some new headshots for me there in the golden sunshine, I felt something familiar.

Yesterday–the first full day that my family has been together in nearly two weeks–that feeling gently pushed at me, softly whispering, “hey…remember me?”

Last night, as we sat on an expanse of freshly cut grass, watching our local minor league baseball team play, I held Matthew in my arms and watched Craig with Katie, explaining the game to her and it tugged at me with a bit more force. As the sun went down and I listened to each crack of the bat and cheer from the crowd, I was truly lost in the moment.

Then this morning, I cleaned out the kids’  toy closet, cleaned and organized my kitchen cabinets and danced in the living room with my babies, it suddenly occurred to me exactly what that feeling is.

It’s happiness. Contentment. Joy.

It has been a while since this feeling has been so incredibly pure…so without the “yeah, buts.”

I’m not ready to say that we’re done trying for our third baby, but what I felt this weekend brought me closer to being able to let that dream go and actually being okay with that.

Time has helped to soothe the painful, sharp edges of our 18-month long battle with secondary infertility. My two babies and my amazing husband are more than I could have ever dreamed of.

And it feels so good to be here…in this beautiful moment.

Blissful.

Grateful.

Peaceful.

 

Regrouping

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. –Alexander Pope

In this moment, I’m thinking Pope was onto something.

We have just completed another failed Clomid/IUI cycle.

Our final cycle, actually. Our doctor thinks we’ve reached the end of the road with the Clomid.

So, while we regroup and figure out our new plan, we’ll be letting my body take a break from drugs.

Thank you to each of you for your positive thoughts and prayers.

We wouldn’t be able to get through this without you.

Sixty Seconds

 For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

–Ralph Waldo Emerson

I wasted enough seconds today with sadness and anger…moments when I should have been looking at Matthew’s eyelashes, playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with Katie, or holding Craig’s hand.

Tomorrow, just happiness.

Can I Get Some Tylenol, Please?

clomid, infertility treatment, infertility

Phew…it’s been a long five days. Long. Super long. Excruciatingly long.

But, I finally took the last of the Clomid this morning.

Curious about how it went? 

What were the side effects?

Did I bring bodily harm to anyone?

Cry a lot?

Here’s the play by play…

Day One

7:00 am Take Clomid.

11:00 am Smile smugly, telling myself that Clomid is no match for me.

11:55 am Take two Tylenol for a sudden onset of a headache.

2:30 pm Turn into a sobbing mess at a bridal shower when talking to the mother of the groom. Convince myself that my 2-year-old son will be walking down the aisle any day now.

5:00 pm Become irrationally angry at a passing rain shower.

6:00 pm Take an Aleve to try to conquer the worsening headache that the Tylenol didn’t even touch.

6:30 pm Make note to throw out that bottle of useless Aleve.

Day Two

6:58 am Wake and wince from the relentless headache.

7:00 am Take Clomid and Tylenol.

7:01 am Complain to husband about massive headache.

7:02 am Make mental note to get revenge on husband who does not have headache.

10:00 am Notice that daughter has apparently grow three inches in the past month. Tell myself that she is no longer a baby, while sobbing and wiping my nose with my sleeve.

1:30 pm Put kids down for nap, lay perfectly still on the couch and hope that either the headache goes away or I die quickly.

2:00 pm Curse the fact that neither of the aforementioned wishes have been granted.

5:30 pm Consider actually paying my children to play the quiet game.

Day Three

7:00 am Take Clomid.

7:01 am Swear at headache that will apparently never ever go away and take two more Tylenol.

9:20 am Watch daughter’s ballet lesson through self-pitying tears that I never took ballet as a child.

11:00 am Walk through grocery store, internally fuming over the fact the person in front of me needs to hurry the #$)!_ up!!!

11:24 am Cry in the car because I am so frustrated with aforementioned slow person.

1:20 pm Take two more Tylenol and ponder the damage I’m doing to my liver.

2:04 pm Rage like a crazy person because you cannot find a pen. Anywhere!

2:05 pm Vow to bring bodily harm to whoever hid all of the pens.

4:00 pm Cry that naptime is over. Already.

Day Four

7:00 am Take Clomid.

9:59 am (Im)patiently wait outside Costco for them to open so I can buy the biggest bottle of Tylenol sold.

11:48 am Curse headache that I am certain is just snickering at me.

1:30 pm Lay on couch and repeat prayers from Day Three that I just die already.

1:45 pm Text husband to complain about headache.

1:46 pm Call husband to complain about headache.

1:47 pm Vow to restrain myself from harassing husband at work over headache.

4:42 pm Decide that it’s “close enough” to 5:00 and pour a much-needed glass of wine.

4:45 pm Open mail. Sob uncontrollably over the kind words in a card from a friend that read, “I know the Clomid is rough but hang in there. This too shall pass…”

Day Five

7:00 am Take Clomid.

7:01 am Do a 30-second happy dance that I have taken the last two pills!

7:01:30 am Curse the headache that cut my happy dance short.

7:02 am Take first two Tylenol of the day.

10:00 am Wonder why we have to listen to The Wheels on the Bus on a constant loop.

10:06 am Decide to open front door during naptime and hurl the aforementioned CD as far as humanly possible.

11:47 am Cry over the injustice of having to prepare lunch.

1:00 pm Continue with ongoing liver damage by choking down two more Tylenol.

1:29 pm Hope and pray that the Clomid works. And that the headache goes away one day in the very near future.

*This is my personal humorous account. Others who have taken Clomid have experienced no side effects at all. Lucky me.

About me

Nichole Beaudry @NicholeBeaudry Location: Northern California
Each and every day, I strive to appreciate the wonder, beauty, and whimsy in the small moments, the moments that, when strung together, form a lifetime.
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