Posted in Humor

Top 10 Ways to Make Your Neighbors Hate You

If you’ve ever wondered how you can make your neighbors completely hate you in no time at all, employ the following helpful tips:

  1. On the day you move in, be sure to lay on your horn no fewer than 3,208 times during naptime.
  2. On that same day, be sure to ring your neighbor’s doorbell during naptime and when they don’t answer, pound on their door because you need to “borrow one of those long screwdrivers.”
  3. When you meet your neighbor’s children, be sure to look the 4-year-old daughter up and down and say, “She suuurrre is purrrty.”
  4. As your neighbor is struggling to get her two children into the house, ask her, “Hey, did you hear me banging on your door at 1 this morning? I was so drunk, I thought your house was mine!”
  5. Park your jalopy truck in front of your neighbor’s house. The truck that leaks oil. The time that your neighbors spend cleaning up your oil spills will earn you a special place in their hearts.
  6. When you see that your neighbor’s children are playing happily in their sandbox, play Eminem at the highest volume your stereo can handle so that they can hear it too.
  7. When you leave or arrive home at all hours of the day and night, be sure that everyone in your jalopy truck slams his or her car door as many times as humanly possible upon entering and exiting the truck. You get extra neighbor points for each slam.
  8. When your kids are bored, send them over to your neighbor’s lawn to swing from the limbs of their most fragile tree.
  9. Be sure to open all of your windows before you have a marital argument in which every other word is “motherf*cker.” Awesome.
  10. To save electricity, pop out all of the screens in your house that face mine and lay your clothes over every windowsill. Classy.

Can you please make me feel better with your awful neighbor stories?

I can’t be the only one who is being driven completely insane!

Easy to Fishy Fishy? Or why I love Vonage Visual Voicemail

There is little that I enjoy less than talking on the telephone.

I much prefer to text, email, DM, or tweet.

The sound of the phone ringing grates on my last nerve.

But, if there’s anything that I dislike more than talking on the phone, it’s dialing in to check voicemail.

Until a few months ago, if you left me a voicemail, the chances of me listening to it were slim to none.

Your messages just stayed in the purgatory of voicemails. Not deleted and not listened to. Just there for all eternity.

I was thrilled to learn that our phone service, Vonage, offers a visual voicemail that gets emailed directly to your inbox.

They extended us an offer to “experience the most advanced voicemail ever!”  They tempted me with “the luxury of Vonage Visual Voicemail!”

I couldn’t think of anything more perfect!

So, Craig signed us up and I couldn’t wait to see our first luxurious message.

Here’s one of the first visual voicemails that we received:

Um, what? The message is from Gramma Rain, not Debra Rein. And they had no intentions of bringing our kids any presidents.


But, Gramma Rain has a bit of an accent, so I wasn’t ready to give up on “the most advanced voicemail ever!” just yet.

Cheryl, who blogs over at Mommy Pants, recently left me this message:

Um, huh? Watching nice people?

Then, today, I got two messages from Cheryl. Here’s the first:

She claims she wasn’t talking about Nancy, and I’m still trying to figure out what “If you do not know easy to fishy fishy” means. Any guesses?

And here’s the other message she left me today:

What? Faculty? Pictures are writing?

You might be thinking that we should go back to traditional voicemail, but nope. No way.

For the first time in years, I am happy to hear the phone ring because I can’t wait to read your voicemail!

This post is linked up with Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop in response to the idea of a pet peeve.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Pooh Gone Wrong

It all started with this tweet…

…which contained this photo (yes, those are Matthew’s delicious thighs!)…

…which quickly escalated (deescalated?) into…

And thank goodness that CDG had the foresight to give us a useful hashtag…

Yep, you read that correctly, Pole Dancing Pooh.

And then, we all fell apart, giggling like school girls…

Pole Dancing Pooh even began trending…

The ever-wise Lori piped in with this…

Then, Pooh got some new clothes…

And since we’re all-inclusive, CDG had the following thoughtful question…

Eeyore was then thrown under the bus…

But, Lori was quick to point out…

CDG and Lori raised some excellent questions to ponder…

We weren’t the only ones giggling…

And we can rest assured that we have ruined Pooh’s image…

And with that?  Our work was done.

Thanks girls, just a few moments of giggly fun made my entire day.  Love you all!

And thank you, Cheryl, for the great idea…

And Huggies?  Really, you might want to work on that graphic.  Just sayin’.

Ten things you might be tempted to do if you lose internet access

We recently lost our Internet connection for a couple of excruciatingly long days.

In our house, as it would probably be in your home as well, this is a ridiculously huge deal.  I nearly lost my mind.  So, I have put together some tips for you, should you ever encounter such a horrible experience.

Here’s my advice: (You’d be wise to print this, since, well, you won’t be able to see it otherwise, in the event of an actual Internet emergency.)

Day One:

At this point, you may think that losing your Internet connection, while inconvenient, isn’t such a bad thing, as you can accomplish many of the nagging items on your to do list.

Here’s what you’ll be tempted to do at this stage of the game:

1.  Tidy up.
2.  Shower.
3.  Go outside.

Day Two:

Okay, having accomplished the items above, you will quickly realize that those things simply don’t stay done.  You will realize that completing those tasks was a complete waste of your time.

Feeling somewhat out of balance, since you’ve lost contact with the rest of the world for over 24 hours, you may turn your attention to the following, more lasting pursuits:

4.  Read something printed on actual paper.
5.  Organize your spices.
6.  Clean your pantry.

Later, on Day Two, complete loss of your mind will occur.  I highly recommend that you retire to your bed until you can be assured that your Internet is fully functional again. Ignore my advice and you will be tempted to:

7.  Iron.
8.  File 11 months worth of random receipts away.  By store.  By date.
9.  Organize your closets by color.
10. Wash lightbulbs.

Although our Internet access was restored at the end of Day Two, I had already planned my Day Three activities: organize the garage, make my own butter, and see how high I could count.

I was more than relieved that I didn’t have to go to those lengths.

Heaven help you if you make it to Day Three.

A Collection of Joyous Small Moments

I haven’t shared the beauty in a while, so I’m going to take this lazy Sunday afternoon to do just that! 

I promise, I’ll be brief so that you can spend your moments exploring these wonderful treats:

In a recent post, At Least for Me, Kris, from Pretty All True, lovingly wrote about her eldest daughter’s transition from her crib to a big girl bed.  When I read it, my heart grew so big it nearly exploded.  This post is beautiful and tender and I could reread it many times over.  Though it spoke to me partly because we recently introduced Katie to her big girl bed, this story of a mother’s intense love for her child is a gift for us all.

Andy, from Crazy with a Side of Awesome Sauce, recently captured a lovely small moment with a gorgeous, warm photograph, Golden Afternoon, that made me peaceful and happy.

My favorite food is salmon.  Every time I eat it, I am overwhelmed with bliss and caught in that very moment.  Meredith, from In Sock Monkey Slippers, recently posted a recipe for Rosemary and Garlic Roasted Salmon that screams out for me to make it and eat it entirely by myself.  Some things simply cannot be shared.

I am often struck by the way we remember things and by which bits of an experience stay with us.  Jen, from Denton Sanitorium, has written a beautiful post, M is for Memories, that thoughtfully questions how her children will remember their recent vacation. 

Though Guilty Squid never fails to make me laugh, I read a post this week that made me giggle, guffaw, and cry with laughter.  I loved it and I think you will too. Read it here:  This is the story of how I thought this Hollywood writer/director/producer was proposing to me. As it turns out, I may be proposing *for* him.

Chris Jordan has captured the essence of living in the moment with these beautiful shots of summer bliss:  The Camera Just Loves This Kid

Now, I’m off to feed Katie some watermelon!

About me

Nichole Beaudry @NicholeBeaudry Location: Northern California
Each and every day, I strive to appreciate the wonder, beauty, and whimsy in the small moments, the moments that, when strung together, form a lifetime.
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