Posted in Heartbreak

The familiar nudge of contentment…

boy at rivercats game, boy in Giants t-shirt, kids and baseball gamesThe first nudge came on Friday, as I stood between the rows of grapevines, just dripping with the juicy, green grapes of this year’s harvest. As my friend Lisa so generously took some new headshots for me there in the golden sunshine, I felt something familiar.

Yesterday–the first full day that my family has been together in nearly two weeks–that feeling gently pushed at me, softly whispering, “hey…remember me?”

Last night, as we sat on an expanse of freshly cut grass, watching our local minor league baseball team play, I held Matthew in my arms and watched Craig with Katie, explaining the game to her and it tugged at me with a bit more force. As the sun went down and I listened to each crack of the bat and cheer from the crowd, I was truly lost in the moment.

Then this morning, I cleaned out the kids’  toy closet, cleaned and organized my kitchen cabinets and danced in the living room with my babies, it suddenly occurred to me exactly what that feeling is.

It’s happiness. Contentment. Joy.

It has been a while since this feeling has been so incredibly pure…so without the “yeah, buts.”

I’m not ready to say that we’re done trying for our third baby, but what I felt this weekend brought me closer to being able to let that dream go and actually being okay with that.

Time has helped to soothe the painful, sharp edges of our 18-month long battle with secondary infertility. My two babies and my amazing husband are more than I could have ever dreamed of.

And it feels so good to be here…in this beautiful moment.





There Will Be a Boy…

A letter to my 13-year-old self…

Dear Nichole,

There will be a boy who teaches you about life.

You will meet him when you are sixteen and you will earnestly believe that you have found your soul mate. You will spend weeks, months, years believing this to be so.

You will celebrate birthdays, holidays, and summer vacations together. You will feel like a part of his family and practice writing your name with his. He will give you a sweetheart ring, a promise of forever, and you will feel that it is your destiny to be with him for always.

But, he will ultimately break up with you and you will feel like you are going to just die. But you won’t.

He will want you back and you will jump for joy. Then, before much time has passed, he will break up with you again. This will happen many times. You will cry and you will wallow, and in time, you will heal.

It will be painful, but this will teach you about self-worth. You will come to realize that you should never have to convince another person to love you, to want to be with you.

You will realize that he was learning, too…what it means to love someone and what it feels like to stop. He will be sorry, but won’t know how to reconcile what he wants with what you need.

You will grow and change and you will come to forgive the boy as you realize that he was … just a boy.

You will also forgive yourself.

You will come to think fondly of him, as he taught you what it felt like to be loved for the first time. He will have taught you more about yourself than you could have ever imagined.

You grow strong, independent, decisive, and confident.

Years will pass and you will meet a man who you won’t have to convince to spend forever with you. A man who’s eyes are honest and kind.

He will love you unconditionally and you will be grateful that you never settled for anything less than that.

He will hold your hand through life’s many challenges and you will go to sleep at night knowing that you are exactly where you want and need to be and you will be grateful.

You will wake each morning by his side and say a silent prayer of thanks for this beautiful life that you have been given the opportunity to live.

It will feel like a precious gift and you won’t take a single moment of it for granted.

About me

Nichole Beaudry @NicholeBeaudry Location: Northern California
Each and every day, I strive to appreciate the wonder, beauty, and whimsy in the small moments, the moments that, when strung together, form a lifetime.
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