She turned to me at dinner, her eyes locked on mine.

katie 2

Can I tell you something, Mommy?

Her face, so vulnerable, so engaged.

Every night, after you and Daddy tuck me in, I sit up in bed, I fold my hands and I pray.

It’s funny how you think you know everything there is to know about your child, until you don’t.

What do you pray for, Katie? I asked.

I thank God for the love in my heart and the sunshine.

I thank him for you and for Daddy.

And for Matthew.

And I tell him that if he gives our family a baby to love, my heart will be so, so full.

Her words, her innocence and her belief that the right combination of words to the right person would somehow bring what she so hopes for, leveled me.

In that moment, I couldn’t tell her that her daddy and I tried praying.

We tried science.

We tried hoping.

And still, we failed.

How will I ever convey to her just how much we wanted… still want… the very thing that she prays for each night?

How will I tell her that we eventually stopped hoping?

How can I tell her that when, after all this time, I can barely admit it to myself?


  1. Jeanne

    Oh Nichole. Wow.

  2. jill (mrschaos)

    Oh, Nichole. You didn’t fail. I don’t have all the answers, but this isn’t something you failed.

    Her faith is beautiful and inspiring. She’ll find or get her answers when the time is right. xo

  3. Stacy R

    Your words are so familiar and yet so uniquely your own. Love this.

  4. Jan Haag

    Stunning, honest, beautiful!

  5. angela

    I don’t have answers or solace, but I wanted to let you know your words are heard. You’re in my thoughts and my heart, all the time.

  6. Sherri

    Hugs…and prayers, because this little family will move forward no matter what the circumstances. Love you…xo

  7. Natalie

    What Sherri said. But don’t stop hoping. I have no words, but just don’t. Much love to you.

  8. Kir

    don’t give up the Hope, the Hope is the part you must not let go of.
    You’re in my heart…sending love and my own hope to you.

  9. Katie

    I think about you and this and all the things often. Know you are in my heart even if our paths don’t cross as frequently as they used to. xxoo

  10. This is beautifully written. I have never struggled with this issue personally but I can only imagine how heart-breaking it is. The grace with which you handle it is remarkable. Brought tears to my eyes.

  11. Tony

    Still holding on to hope for you and your beautiful little family. xoxo

  12. Merry120

    Big hugs to you Nichole. I still have hope in my heart for you. It is so hard to explain to a child that life isn’t fair, praying doesn’t always bring what you want and did I mention life isn’t fair. :(

  13. Elaine A.

    That is so beautiful and sweet. I wish her prayers could be answered in the way you all wish. xo

  14. Laura

    What a sweetheart. Your hearts are so open and beautiful in this post.

    When I was little, I used to think that prayer was where babies came from. I once asked my parents how people who didn’t believe in God had babies. That’s when they realized they needed to have “the talk” with me.

    I wish babies came from prayer sometimes.

  15. Jessah

    Oh Nichole. This post absolutely broke my heart. Hugs to you, my friend. I hope God answers your daughter’s prayers.

  16. julie gardner

    I don’t have the right words for you.
    Not after following your story from the first moment you dared to admit what you were hoping here.

    Our hearts always hope though, don’t they?
    Sometimes it takes different shapes.

    Your will always look like love.
    So much love. So much you want more.

    Sending mine, now.

  17. Leighann

    I came to your blog looking for support. I remembered that you were going through secondary infertility and that’s what I’m experiencing right now. My heart fell when I read this. I know what this feels like and it hurts. There’s no words that make this feeling go away.
    I get it.
    Thank you for writing about it so people like me don’t feel so alone.

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