Loose gravel

I stand here in the same spot I’ve stood in for twenty-nine months now.

Occasionally, I’ve paced.

Always, I’ve hoped.

But I’ve stood here on solid ground.

Twenty-nine months of trying for just one more baby.

If I inch close to the edge of the hill, there’s a patch of loose gravel.

And I know that if I place my foot there, it will give way and I will tumble.

I have worried that if I give up hope and step on that patch, I may not survive the fall.

For all these months, I have avoided it.

Kept my distance.

But now, I’m inching closer.

With my toes, I push at the edge of the loose gravel and I watch the small stones tumble, gaining speed until they finally settle at the bottom of the hill.

The fall, while fast, ends peacefully.

I know that I can’t stand here forever.

I think that I’m ready to take that step.

And for the first time, I feel like once I reach the bottom, I will be okay.

Perhaps even better than okay.

20 comments

  1. K.

    What beautiful words these are, Nichole…

  2. Cam Growingupgoofy.com

    Hugs and more hugs either way my friend!

  3. Rachel Voorhees rachelvoorhees.com

    I love your words. xo

  4. angela angelaamman.com

    Love you, love your words, and sending positive thoughts no matter what your decision. xo

  5. Jill (mrschaos) lifeofjill.com

    I love you so much. Beautiful.

  6. Terry Webb

    Moving forward no matter the results eventually brings serenity.

  7. Pam whatevsblog.com

    Best of luck on your journey… wherever it takes you

  8. Peggy

    Beautifully said. Perhaps, maybe, just maybe, the bottom won’t feel like the bottom at all.

  9. Tonya

    This is absolutely devine. Your words are both breathtaking and heartbreaking. Please do not loose hope and never forget you are not alone. xo

  10. Kacey teachingbrady.wordpress.com

    We’re 38 months in and I still can’t bring myself to even peek over that edge. Maybe someday I’ll be able to do it with a fraction of your grace.

  11. Galit Breen theselittlewaves.com

    Oh you, thinking about you and sending you much love.

    Your words are stunning as always, I bet they felt good to pen.

    xo

  12. Amy babybabylemon.com

    hugs. xo

  13. I wish you luck.

  14. Aleta fleurdealeta.blogspot.com

    Sending positive thoughts your way. This was poetically beautiful.

  15. Sherri

    Oh, my sweet friend…I know how very close you are to that cliff. I know this has been tearing you up, and your words are both beautiful and sad. But I do sense that you are beginning to feel a shift and that everything will be OK. Love you…xoxo

  16. Laura mommy-miracles.com

    I’m sitting here not quite sure what to comment. Just that, I hear you. I see you. My heart is reaching to yours.

  17. Kathleen

    I love these words. I understand your pain and almost to the same point you are. I start trying for baby #4 – the summer of 2010. I am 3 years in with three miscarriages later (all earlier in the journey) and no new baby. I am so sorry that you are here but glad that you have wonderful words to share. I hate to say it but it makes me feel less alone knowing that I am not alone in how I feel.

  18. You have such a beautiful way with words even in their sadness. I wish I had comforting words, but know I hear you and am here with you. xo

  19. Kir thekircorner.com

    the thing is that once you let go, you will find another footing. I promise you that.

    I know this pain, this waiting, this wondering and I feel like you gave it a voice for so many people still waiting and wondering. My thoughts and prayers always include your hopes, what your heart desires.

    thinking of you.

  20. This left me breathless. Waiting is hard but I see strength in your words. Grace be with you on your journey.

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