The familiar nudge of contentment…

boy at rivercats game, boy in Giants t-shirt, kids and baseball gamesThe first nudge came on Friday, as I stood between the rows of grapevines, just dripping with the juicy, green grapes of this year’s harvest. As my friend Lisa so generously took some new headshots for me there in the golden sunshine, I felt something familiar.

Yesterday–the first full day that my family has been together in nearly two weeks–that feeling gently pushed at me, softly whispering, “hey…remember me?”

Last night, as we sat on an expanse of freshly cut grass, watching our local minor league baseball team play, I held Matthew in my arms and watched Craig with Katie, explaining the game to her and it tugged at me with a bit more force. As the sun went down and I listened to each crack of the bat and cheer from the crowd, I was truly lost in the moment.

Then this morning, I cleaned out the kids’  toy closet, cleaned and organized my kitchen cabinets and danced in the living room with my babies, it suddenly occurred to me exactly what that feeling is.

It’s happiness. Contentment. Joy.

It has been a while since this feeling has been so incredibly pure…so without the “yeah, buts.”

I’m not ready to say that we’re done trying for our third baby, but what I felt this weekend brought me closer to being able to let that dream go and actually being okay with that.

Time has helped to soothe the painful, sharp edges of our 18-month long battle with secondary infertility. My two babies and my amazing husband are more than I could have ever dreamed of.

And it feels so good to be here…in this beautiful moment.






  1. Where can I get good templates for my blog?

  2. What a lovely post. I'm so glad that you are finding peace where you are now and while I hope that you'll still fulfill your dream of having another – I think it's fantastic that you are truly enjoying where you are at this moment. It's a testament to real presence and finding tre joy in that…. what a great place to be. :-)

  3. findingourwaynow

    I love it when that happens. There is no better feeling.

  4. Sherri

    This makes me smile… because I know it has been such a bumpy road for you and you deserve some contentment, my dear friend. xoxo

  5. Cameron

    This just makes my heart happy for you.

  6. Beautiful, Nichole. Contentment is so hard to find in our "we need more" society. You have such a beautiful family already and I am so overwhelmingly happy for you! :)

  7. Baseball will do that to ya. No? Just me?
    I'm sporting a big smile thinking of you being happy. Love you!
    AND I can't wait to get a peek at those pics of gorgeous you!?!?!?!

  8. Tonya

    This post made me cry tears of pure joy. I am so very happy for you and where you are today, Nichole. It is so easy to get bogged down by the "yeah, buts". But that moment when you are truly content with who and where you are is nothing less than magical. I hope to get there someday soon. Sending all my love.

  9. Rachel

    Swoon! I love this post!

  10. Nancy Forbes baseballchanges/cp,

    What a blessing. It is always wonderful when you can find peace and contentment while going through big struggles. Baseball use to be that kind of a game for the family to bring the family and happy moments together.

  11. Co-Pilot Mom

    Beautiful post. Those moments are the best; when we recogmize that feeling in the moment and really let it sink in.

  12. Meagan

    I know that feeling of contentment! It is amazing! I also know that feeling of letting go of the dream of having more children. I'm also near you! I found you on the sac bloggers website! Can't wait to read more!

  13. ksluiter

    lovely, my friend. This makes my heart happy,

  14. domain

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