The first nudge came on Friday, as I stood between the rows of grapevines, just dripping with the juicy, green grapes of this year’s harvest. As my friend Lisa so generously took some new headshots for me there in the golden sunshine, I felt something familiar.
Yesterday–the first full day that my family has been together in nearly two weeks–that feeling gently pushed at me, softly whispering, “hey…remember me?”
Last night, as we sat on an expanse of freshly cut grass, watching our local minor league baseball team play, I held Matthew in my arms and watched Craig with Katie, explaining the game to her and it tugged at me with a bit more force. As the sun went down and I listened to each crack of the bat and cheer from the crowd, I was truly lost in the moment.
Then this morning, I cleaned out the kids’ toy closet, cleaned and organized my kitchen cabinets and danced in the living room with my babies, it suddenly occurred to me exactly what that feeling is.
It’s happiness. Contentment. Joy.
It has been a while since this feeling has been so incredibly pure…so without the “yeah, buts.”
I’m not ready to say that we’re done trying for our third baby, but what I felt this weekend brought me closer to being able to let that dream go and actually being okay with that.
Time has helped to soothe the painful, sharp edges of our 18-month long battle with secondary infertility. My two babies and my amazing husband are more than I could have ever dreamed of.
And it feels so good to be here…in this beautiful moment.