How to Feel Impossibly Old in 19 Easy Steps

Want to feel so old that you should make a mad dash for the drugstore to pick up some Geritol?

Try this foolproof plan…

  1. Go to hip party where the average age must surely be 28.
  2. Have a glass of wine.
  3. Take note of the trendy clothes and amazing shoes on everyone but you.
  4. Have another glass of wine.
  5. Notice line forming that is so long that you can’t see what everyone is waiting for, but tell yourself that long lines always equate to great stuff. Duh.
  6. Get in line.
  7. Realize that the pot at the end of this rainbow is filled with hair feathers.
  8. Realize that hair feathers no longer have anything to do with Farrah Fawcett.
  9. Shiver.
  10. Take embarrassingly large swig of wine.
  11. Ignore subtle hint from wise friend who says, “You’re on your own with this one.”
  12. Get hair feather, in blue, your daughter’s favorite.

Fast forward one week…

  1. Arrive at appointment for make up to be professionally applied for calendar photo shoot.
  2. Listen to gloriously beautiful and stylish makeup artist tell you that you’re “cute” when she notices your hair feather.
  3. Fantasize about large glass bottle of wine.
  4. Cringe when she explains that she was going to get one, but by the time she got around to it, they weren’t “cool anymore.”
  5. Fantasize about bottle barrel of wine.
  6. Hurry home and instruct husband to remove hair feather, whether by pliers, scissors, or match.
  7. Celebrate hair feather removal with copious amounts of wine.
hair feather

NOT the fountain of youth…


  1. sherrikuhn

    Oh, this particularly old lady loved your hair feather, and if I had been at that party? We would have rocked them together!

  2. My three girls are sporting their very cool hair feathers right this minute and have no idea they are passe. I happen to wish I had gotten one too.

  3. J.C. Mapes

    I suppose that if they are now passé, I shall have to remove mine, too. Oh!? Wait! That's not a feather- it's just a bunch of stringy hard to style grey hair! <Damn> well, maybe I can get a feather to cover it up! Oh?! Wait! The whole clump just fell out!!! <crap>
    I guess I can just shave my head, wear dark amber sun glasses and move to Nice, France where I will make up my own obnoxious accent and look cool with a bucket load of €… Oh?! La terre est chère et une maison coûte une fortune! I can't afford it! Merde!

  4. MamaWantsThis

    You will NEVER appear old to me, hair feather or not.

  5. amy

    You are younger than I am….and watching the VMA's instant old…pass the bottle.

  6. CDG


    Never regret something that made you happy, especially not your hair. Hair grows back.

    And that party with the 28 year olds and the clothes and the shoes? Think of all the things you've done, think of the family you've built and the new career you're establishing and realize how painfully young they are. They've still got so much to figure out that cute shoes can't touch.

    And since you look all of 30?


  7. heidiluedtke

    But the hair feather proves you are optimistic and willing to take a risk. *That's* hop and sexy at any age!

  8. Kirsten

    Why do I think you looked amazing with that hair feather???? Silly! You're gorgeous no matter what!

  9. tracy@sellabitmum

    Do not laugh but I still have my feathers in. shhhh

  10. Random Blogette

    I bet you rocked that feather! My friend's mom AND dad got hair feathers the other day. Yes, I said her dad.

  11. John

    I, honestly, don't see how you can see yourself as "old" (be it looking, acting, or thinking).

    See, I'm not really even sure what the heck a hair feather is.

    But I'll gladly join you in downing that barrel of wine.

  12. Aleta

    I like the hair feather :) But I don't know if I'd have been brave enough to sport one. Hehe. I see kids wearing all sorts of things in their hair now and dying their hair crazy colors. Ah, youth!

  13. TheNextMartha

    I hope that make up artist got paid with a smack in the head. I never got one, but if I had? I'd rock it like you did.

  14. Beth Anne


  15. Megan -Best of Fates

    Okay, I think that hair feather looked awesome. And that girl was in the fashion industry – clearly not someone to be trusted!

  16. You are not even close to impossibly old!

    Did Katie love that you got a blue one?

  17. mommyofamonster

    But you did look really cute with the feather!!

  18. Shell

    Oh, the things we'll do at blog conferences!

  19. Robin

    So funny. Aren't you going to share a pic of you with the hair feather? I bet you looked great. I'd get one but my hair is too short. Going to get blue streaks instead. ;)

  20. Rachel

    Bwahahhahha!!! Nichole you made me laugh today. I LOVE it! My hairdresser tried to get me to one of those damn feathers in BEFORE BlogHer. Hell no!

  21. Yuliya

    how to feel impossibly young (and stupid) in one easy step: read your whole post and still kinda sorta want a hair feather…is there any hope for me?

  22. I can't possibly see you being old!

    I don't get the whole hair feathers fad, but that means you are so much cooler than me!!

  23. janaekrell

    1. How and where are you old?
    2. No pic of you with the feather IN your hair??
    3. That makeup artist needs to be smacked.
    4. Can I have some wine?

  24. Kelly Tirman

    Love …Cringe when she explains that she was going to get one, but by the time she got around to it, they weren’t “cool anymore.”

  25. Tracie

    I think the hair feathers are really cute…but I've been too chicken to get one.

    I'm pretty sure you aren't as old as you think you are.

  26. Missy | Literal Mom

    I have YET to find where I can get a hair feather! And I totally would. I just stopped wearing leg warmers last week!

  27. supermomboots

    Yes, to everything you said!!

  28. Suz

    I loved your hair feather! It looked so cute on you. But glad you figured out a way to remove it once you were sick of it.

  29. @YoungMommy

    I loved my feather – and yours. And? I love doing things that make me feel young. After all, my seven kids sure as heck don't!

  30. Mrs. Jen B

    I'm so uncool I missed the entire trend. So…at least you got in on it. :)

  31. Cheryl @ Mommypants

    My hairdresser – who was AT BLOGHER – and I were discussing how over that trend was the week before the fateful night. She was also at the party. And I got a hair feather anyway. Because my daughter would like it – she so did – and because why not? It's already been well-established that I am so not trendy it didn't matter.

    Also, mine fell out yesterday. Daughter is sad. but now wants the feathers for herself.

  32. Tonya

    Had I been at that party with you, I would have stood in line with you and then when it was your turn, sat back, drank my wine and laughed at you! :) Glad the feathers are gone!!

  33. MissMarinaStar

    Those hair feathers have to have been the shortest trend in history. Either that or I am too old (or always too drunk on wine) to have noticed them before a month ago!

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