Heaviness

I’m in a complete funk.

You could call it writer’s block.

Or burnout.

Or lethargy.

Or what feels like the onset of depression.

So, I haven’t really blogged.

I haven’t shared many small moments, or things that brought me joy, or much, for that matter.

I just haven’t had it in me to write.

But, I know that in order to get back to it, I have to just get something down, even if it doesn’t make much sense.

So, here’s some of what’s swirling around in my brain right now…

I need to learn to take on less…to say “no” more often.

Apologies, even when heartfelt and accompanied with regret, aren’t always accepted. And I have to be okay with that.

This baby that we want so desperately may never come.

Far too many small moments have been slipping right through my fingers and I’ve felt powerless to stop them.

There hasn’t been nearly enough music, laughter, ice cream, finger painting, and squealing lately.

Everything just feels big. And heavy.

And that has to change.

Please bear with me as I regroup and refocus a bit.

I’ll get it together…I promise.

35 comments

  1. Rachel mommyneedsavacation.com

    Oh Nichole….I am so sorry. I can hear your pain through your words. Writing about the funk is the 1st step to getting out of it. Keep your head up and you know I am just a phone call away. Hugs! xoxoxo

  2. Rebecca manicmama.com

    I just came out of three months of this exact thing. Well, maybe not EXACTLY, but I sure felt the same way about it.

    I'm still kinda in it, to be honest, and I'm really only hoping things are starting to look up.

    I have no advice to offer. I've been at a complete loss for months now.

    But I have been/am where you are. I think you just need to push through and not lose hope. Even when it feels impossible.

  3. Dr. G askdoctorg.com

    This sounds so painful. But I think Rebecca's months are not always the rule. If you are not someone who has had lots of cycles like this, it is hard to know what to expect, and I'm sorry that there is no certainty. I am certain that you must be doing a little better because you sat down and wrote. Keep persevering, nothing lasts forever – even when it feels that it does.

    I go through these cycles myself and have found that small, unexpected things can jar me out of them. So get the ice cream or do the tickling anyway if you can. In other words fake it and you might make it out sooner!

    Also, your doctor is someone you can talk to about these feelings. You might be surprised what she or he has to say.

    I hope it is so quick!

  4. Evonne julesoutloud.blogspot.com

    Oh Nichole, hugs to you. I've been in a similar funk and it is no fun. I agree with Rachel that writing about it is the 1st step. It opens you up to all kinds of support. I have no words to offer, but I can offer my support.

  5. Sherri

    Hugs to you my sweet friend…you know mine are there each and every day.

    I understand and wish I had the prescription for you…but I think more ice cream, more laughter, more hugs, and more small moments couldn't hurt.

    And maybe lunch with a friend?

  6. Nichole inthesesmallmoments.com

    Thank you, Rachel…I know you're there and it means the world to me. xoxo

  7. Oh Nichole, you will get through this. It will get easier. Day by day. It's been nearly three months since I lost my baby boy and had to start accepting that #3 is not at all likely. I still can't bear the thought of it. Some days the small moments are all I have. Hang on tight. Seek comfort in your friends. The writing? That can wait. Nurture your soul instead.

  8. Nichole inthesesmallmoments.com

    Thank you, Rebecca!
    I know that things will be just fine.
    This infertility struggle is just overwhelming at times.
    Your kind words mean so much.

  9. Nichole inthesesmallmoments.com

    I'm certain that this is just a bump in the road.
    We've been struggling with infertility this year and sometimes it just gets the best of me.
    Thank you for your kindness.

  10. Nichole inthesesmallmoments.com

    Yes, Rachel is onto something.
    I'm hoping that just writing it down will be enough to get the ball rolling again.
    Burnout + infertility struggles = general ickiness.
    Thank you so much for your thoughtful words. xo

  11. Nichole inthesesmallmoments.com

    Yes, lunch with a friend would be heavenly!
    Thank you, Sherri…your friendship is such a treasure.
    xoxo

  12. Nichole inthesesmallmoments.com

    Thank you, Katie…from the bottom of my heart.
    I can't tell you how often I think of you…how often you inspire me to keep perspective.
    I am so incredibly grateful for the two amazing children that we already have.
    I know that things will be fine…I do.
    Much love to you, my friend.

  13. galitbreen

    No advice, or words of wisdom from me. Just warm thoughts and whispers that you're not alone and wow- ever so loved.

    I'm glad you're writing. Your words? Are the rub.

    XO

  14. @sogeshirts twitter.com/sogeshirts

    Hi Nichole,

    I kind of feel the same way right now so I know how you are feeling. Time will pass and things will work out. Writing about it does help.

  15. brandy

    Laughs with friends. A date night. St. Johns worth (or Prozac). More laughs. Hugging the babies you have close.

  16. TheNextMartha

    Big Sigh. I'm sorry you have such heaviness. My 4 y/o can kick some ass. I can send him over to kick away some of that weight if needed

  17. BringUpBee bringingupbronwyn.com

    I hate seeing my friends in a funk, but I understand and can relate all too well. I just hope that this bump in the road is short lived.

  18. MamaWantsThis mamawantsthis.com

    Nicole, no words. Just know that I'm thinking of you. xo

  19. Krista notmommyoftheyear.com

    Thinking of you still. I wish I had advice or the right words that would help you. But I think sometimes you just have to feel what you're feeling, say what you need to say and let the "funk" work it's way out. Trying to bury it or rise above it doesn't always make it go away. Hug your babies and your husband. Reach out to your friends. And just hold on. You will make it through this.
    Oh wait, looks like I had advice after all.

  20. Peggy

    Oh Nichole, you strive for perfection so much in your life, and in everything that you do, and it's hard to accept when fate has other plans. I'm so sorry that you are feeling sad.

    I hope that you can start enjoying those small moments again soon. You have so much to look forward to with Katie & Matthew.

  21. Andrea

    You are loved and are in many people's thoughts. What is meant to be…will be. Be strong, but allow yourself to feel every emotion. You are human after all. I love you!

  22. I am only a voice on the internet, I know, but I want you to know that I hear what you are saying, and my thoughts are going out to you. I know you will figure it out, and if there is absolutely ANYTHING I can do, please let me know.

    You will find your joy, even if first it means working through this painful, heavy time. Hugs to you xoxo

  23. Bridgette

    I'm in the same thing. You are so not alone. For me, it's the end of summer. I've enjoyed so many wonderful moments with my kids that I don't want it to end. Yet my little baby boy just started 1st grade and my little girl is growing by leaps and bounds. They just won't slow down! Hang in there. You always brighten my day when I see you at ballet class. I'm sure you will get through it.

  24. Yuliya shesuggests.com

    I bet what you need is a vacation ;) From EVERYTHING

  25. Oh hun I'm sorry. I honestly can say I know what that "funk" feels like. Mine has been long-lasting…about 3 months…ever since hubby was deployed and I got the unexpected news that we are preggo w/#5…against all plans and wishes. And now…I get to have a baby all alone…my funk is deep and wide…and I completely empathize with you. I"m sorry. Take a break…sometimes it feels good.

  26. Kimberly mamasmonologues.com

    Please know that I am thinking of you, sending warm thoughts and hugs your way.

  27. Courtney K. themommymatters.com

    I've been feeling this way, too lately. Not sure if it's the weather change here in Alaska that is bringing me down, or just sheer exhaustion. You're in my prayers! I hope things pick up for you soon!

  28. Kirsten thekircorner.com

    Take all the time you need and know we're here if you need us. Sometimes a break is exactly what you need. Thinking of you! Xo

  29. Megan -Best of Fates bestoffates.com

    *LOVE*

  30. JaimesStory ainsleylynn.blogspot.com

    I'm so sorry Nichole. Try and find some time for yourself, I know it's hard, but very much needed. You are a lovely person and I for one will come read anything you write.

    Take care friend.

  31. julie gardner juliecgardner.com

    I see everyone's comments; I understand their hopes that you can get out of the funk by writing.
    But what if part of the funk IS the writing?

    I hate to admit it (because I feel ungrateful for all my good fortune) but I'm in a bit of a cave of my own right now and mine is not about infertility.

    It's about questioning what I am DOING with myself, with my words, with my life. And I feel paralyzed when it comes to writing. That's why it's hard for me to believe writing can help me out of the funk when it is, in fact, a main contributor to inability to move forward.

    I know rationally that writing is concrete. It's our words against a white background. We're creating something from nothing. It's an amazing process that can be rewarding in so many ways.

    But the reward is often abstract. And the gauge of competence vs. gift vs. brilliance is subjective. I sometimes miss the absolute measure of success that my past endeavors afforded.

    I know. This comment is not helpful. I probably shouldn't even have said anything because everyone else is trying to give you advice.

    But all I can say is that I am sorry. And I know you'll find a way back to lightness. I just wish I could help you get there. And also that you'd find me when you arrived.

  32. Jessica

    I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time right now and I wish there was something I could do to take some of the weight of it away. I hope this is just part of the ebb and flow of things for you as it is for me. I hope the feeling fades as quickly as it came and life becomes brighter again for you. Always here if you need me.

  33. Cheryl @ Mommypants mommypants.com

    I so agree with Julie here. Shocking, I know.

    Also, don't make me send you oreos again. Because I so will.

    xo

  34. Tonya lettersforlucas.com

    Hugs. xoxo

  35. heidi wonderwomanwannabe.com

    oh, i hear ya! my most recent post echos much of your same feelings as well…
    hope things look up for you so soon!

    -h

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