Because of His Peace

This week’s Small Moments Mondays post comes from Miranda, who blogs over at Not Super…Just Mom.

And before I go any further, I have a confession to make.

I have a huge bloggy crush on Miranda.

Aside from the fact that she’s stunningly beautiful, there’s an ease about her writing…a warmth that makes you feel immediately at ease.

And she’s stunning. Did I mention that already?

The most remarkable thing about Miranda’s writing is just how honest it is. It is that honesty that keeps me going back for more.

For a taste of the ease, honesty, and warmth I’m talking about, please read So Happy Together, He Needed Me. And I Found a Way to Get There, and Second Shift.

Thank you, Miranda…for your words here and for not getting a restraining order against me for being such a stalker fan.

Because of His Peace–by Miranda

Sleep deprivation is a special kind of torture reserved for the vilest of prisoners.

And moms.

My son? Not a great sleeper. Not even a little bit kind of like a great sleeper.

Joshua wakes up once or twice a night almost every night. We get the occasional sleep-through-the-night here and there but never consistently. We’ve tried everything we can think of to get him to sleep and he just doesn’t do it.

(He comes by a double-dose of stubborn honestly if I’m being, well, honest.)

Most of the time, he just needs to be held for a minute. Reminded that I’m there and that I’m still carrying his heart in my heart.

So, I go to him and I hold him and I set my breathing to match his. When I think his mama-love tank is sufficiently refilled, I put him back in his bed, tiptoe to my own, and finish out the night.

Most of the time, I manage through the days with a few cups of coffee.

But sometimes we have a really bad night like last night where no amount of coffee in the world will help.

After nearly two hours’ worth of attempts to get him back to sleep in his own bed, my husband brought him to our room and Joshua immediately curled into my pillow and fell asleep. So I did, too.

But I had angry sleep. The kind of sleep that isn’t refreshing. The kind of sleep where you wake up full of piss and vinegar and just plain mad.

Joshua, like always, was full of sunshine.

He woke up in our bed, looked around, saw me and said “Oh, hi, Mama! I get down! I go play trains!” and off he went, ready to tackle the world with his innocence.

I was mad all day because of how tired I was. I was frustrated with him. With myself. With the dog. With the fact that my husband was at work instead of home being miserable with me. My thoughts were clouded with exhaustion.

And then I realized that he had climbed on the couch and was sitting almost underneath me, resting his head on my arm.

And I felt my heart warm some at his touch.

When I tried to put him down for his nap he fought me by flailing backwards in my arms so his body was swinging wildly from my hip. I was angry that he was being so unruly. He was laughing.

I felt myself smile at his laughter in spite of my anger.

When I tried to put him down for his nap (for the third time, and a nap which he did not actually take), he drank his milk and then flipped over so we were chest to chest. He tucked his face into my neck and rested there for a minute, breathing on my throat. Then he leaned his head back a little, smiled at me, and settled back into me.

I felt myself soften a bit because of his peace.

Joshua is the small moment in my life. He is my life. And I’m thankful for his presence in it.

You can also find Miranda on Twitter and Facebook. Please go say hello!

54 comments

  1. MamaWantsThis mamawantsthis.com

    Beautiful post Miranda. Thank you for reminding me that despite all the challenges, they are our hearts. Always.

    My son is a challenging sleeper too. But he's an awesome cuddler :)

  2. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    Thank you, Alison. They ARE our hearts.

  3. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    Thank you for having me, Nichole! I might bear-hug you at BlogHer, just so you know!

  4. multitaskingmumma

    Beautiful Miranda!
    I know all about the sleep dance.

    Every mom has these moments and you're doing great!

  5. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    Thank you for being here, Leighann. The sleep dance is a tricky little Tango, isn't it? ::sigh:: I was never a very good dancer.

  6. supermomboots

    I am still fighting this fight. He is five. We are apparently equally stubborn! But sometimes in the middle of the mad, he makes me smile too.

  7. Rachel mommyneedsavacation.com

    Those smiles they give us while snuggling? Heartwarming!

    Lovely post!

  8. @DonutsMama twitter.com/DonutsMama

    Miranda, you know I feel your pain here about the sleep issues. But sometimes the cuddles are all I need to feel better most times too. Along with the caffeine.

  9. galitbreen

    This is so very beautiful and such an amazing reminder of their innocence and sweetness!

  10. Kimberly mamasmonologues.com

    Those sweet little cuddles and soft, gentle moments make me completely forget about the anger and frustration. Beautiful post, Miranda!

  11. Jessica

    So sweet, I know all about those kinds of days. Thank goodness they are so cute and love-able and hard to resist.

  12. when I had my 6 week old, I had my husband "help" in the night because I couldn't move from the c-section I had just endured. He (my husband, not my baby) started calling me Kim Jong Il. He felt he was being tortured by 3 a.m.
    I found his complaints…ironic to say the least.
    The kids are worth it though, so worth it. Lovely post. The biggest challenge for me as a mommy is keeping my anger in check when i don't get sleep.

  13. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    Doesn't it just make you all sorts of crazy when you're mad and they do something in the middle of that to make you smile. But you're MAD! NOT! HAPPY!

    And then suddenly you're less mad.

    Silly kids. :)

  14. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    They are heartwarming, really. They remind me of when he was an infant and he'd wake up in the middle of the night (again) and smile at me when I peered over his crib. And then I'd be half awake, cranky, and smiling. Such a mix of emotions.

  15. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    Most of the time I'm running on cuddles and caffeine.

  16. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    Thank you, Galit. :)

  17. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    Most of the time the same happens for me and I forget that I'm mad. Most of the time.

  18. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    Right? If he weren't so cute, I would've sold him by now!! (Just kidding.)

  19. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    Hahaha. I mean. No. Not funny that your husband called you a dictator.

    When Joshua was a newborn, I was miserable with being awake all the time and Dan would get up with me "to help." Except his "helping" involved him falling asleep in the nursery floor, sometimes sitting up, while I nursed Joshua. So I sent him back to bed.

    Even through the haze of sleep deprivation, Joshua's worth it. It might keep me from ever having another, but for him at least? Totally worth it.

  20. They are challenging little devils aren't they…but they know how to make our hearts swoon. Lovely post Miranda xoxo

  21. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    He so does know how to do that.

  22. molly adayinmollywood.com

    Oh man, Miranda. First of all, thanks for pointing me to yet another beautifully written blog. As if I needed more stuff in my reader (1000 unread posts, hello!). Second of all, lack of sleep is a form of torture. Really, it is used on our worst enemies.

    I can relate as far as my second baby goes. He did not sleep through the night for the entire first year. He was up 2 or 3 times a night. Five or six if he was sick, which was often.

    You're doing the best you can with the hand you've been dealt! Take a break every once in awhile. And breathe.

  23. lovely. just lovely. i try to remind myself that the day will come when they no longer need us… or want us… and we will wish they did!

  24. Stacey staceysmotheringmoments.com

    Such a beautiful post. I'm writing this as a sleep deprived mom of a nearly three month old with a cold. They are amazing little people. I need to take their example of approaching every day with joy instead of dread.

  25. Jenn fxinthecity.blogspot.com

    What a beautiful, well times post. I have been really struggling lately as neither of my kids are good sleepers. I must step back, take a moment and just breath in their beings. Thank you.

  26. midwestmomments

    I'm so relieved to not be the only one! S will be 4 in a couple of weeks and was up twice last night. Though she usually sleeps through the night now, up until about six months ago, she still had a few nights a week where she didn't. She has never been a good sleeper. When she was five months old, one day she only slept for 8 hours in that 24 hour period. It. Was. Horrific. And I started to drink coffee. But those days when the sleep deprivation was too much (I mean, seriously, you can't survive on an average of 4 hours of sleep at night over 3 years without some meltdowns), and I would break down crying from exhaustion, her sweet little snuggles or a "Love you, Mama" was an amazing cure-all. Hang in there! It will get better!

  27. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    I'd say the fact that you ONLY started to drink coffee is pretty fantastic! LOL

    And yes, it will get better. I know that. It's already better, actually.

  28. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    Sometimes just being in their presence is enough to right your mood. And you're welcome.

  29. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    Oh man, that's hard. HARD. The first six months of Joshua's life were a blur because of the lack of sleep in mine.

    But yes, joy instead of dread is key.

  30. MamaRobinJ farewellstranger.com

    I've had SO many of those days, and I know the anger, the frustration and the exhaustion. It the absolute worst feeling for me.

    I've also had cuddles like that and times where he puts his face in my neck and I know that magic.

    C doesn't sleep well either and at this point one of us ends up sleeping with him because he won't sleep otherwise. Part of me wishes he'd just sleep through already (c'mon – three years!) but I also really love those nighttime cuddles and seeing how precious he is when he's sound asleep.

    I love that you found the beauty in that hard day. It often takes someone else to make us see it, and Nichole is really good at that. xo

  31. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    So right! I tried to remember that in the midst of Saturday and had a horrible time with it. But it's so true. One day he won't want me anymore.

  32. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    First, you're welcome. Nichole's blog is beautiful, right?

    The poor sleeping habits of this one make me completely gunshy to have a second. Totally.

  33. Anita mommyinsearchofme.com

    Perfect! Those moments make all the sleepless nights and bad days worth it! :)

  34. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    I do love curling up with him to sleep when the sleep is good. I always loved sleeping with him when he was tiny. It refreshes me most of the time, body and soul.

  35. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    I don't know about WORTH IT :) LOL.

    Better? Yes. Mostly worth it? Yes.

  36. julie gardner juliecgardner.com

    I love that you admit to his coming by a double dose of stubborn…honestly.

    To me, that's been one of the biggest challenges of parenthood: recognizing my own traits in my children and being frustrated by issues they inherited from ME.

    As I sip my coffee and reflect on the days when my children were as young as your son, I can say you are wise to surrender to the caffeine and cuddles while they last.

    Well. Coffee will always be there. Thank God. But the cuddles are finite.

    Soak it up. All of it.

  37. tracy@sellabitmum sellabitmum.com

    This is so beautiful. I melt every time my almost two year old say "snuggle now mama."

  38. lindsey newlyb.blogspot.com

    I love this. And love these moments. So beautifully said.

  39. angela tiaras-and-trucks.blogspot.com

    Oh Miranda, this is such a lovely post. I feel your sleepless pain. Abbey is an awful sleeper, and nothing we've done has changed that. Dylan is slightly better, but between the two of them, I am up at least once or twice every night. I try to remember the snuggles and the feeling of Dylan's hands tangling in my hair or Abbey's legs gripping me like a baby monkey again. But I still need coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.

  40. story hardtomommy.blogspot.com

    Okay, you have me in tears. Again. Sobbing this time. Geez.

    This was truly beautiful. I'm so glad you found this truth in your day. I have to go now. I need to go get me some snuggles.

  41. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    He does. It's true. Between my husband and I, there was no way this child was not going to be stubborn!

    I'm doing my best to soak it up. Sometimes, it's hard.

  42. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    He was sooooooo snuggly when he woke up from his nap today. So snuggly. And tonight before bed he said "Mama sit chair!" so that I could stay with him while he drank his milk.

    Gah. Today? After a couple of night's worth of good sleep, I am eating this child up.

  43. Diana hormonal-imbalances.com

    Beautiful. I love it. Thanks for sharing this with us.

  44. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    Thank you!

  45. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    Lots and lots and lots of coffee. Amen and amen.

  46. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    There's always been a light like this, even in the really, really dark moments. Always. For that I'm grateful.

  47. Devan McGuinness accustomedchaos.com

    such a beautiful post Miranda!!

  48. Jaime ainsleylynn.blogspot.com

    Reading this was like reading a page from my own life. My daughter – now 4 – is the same way. Always has been. Sleeps best if she's with someone. Rarely sleeps through the night. Fights naps. Ends up in our beds most mornings. Wakes up "full of sunshine" even if she barely slept a wink. And I have tried EVERYTHING…

    I get it, I totally get it.

    Lovely post.

  49. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    Thank you, and you're welcome!

  50. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    Thank you, Devan!

  51. Miranda notsuper-justmom.com

    It's infuriating and awesome that they can do that–wake up with sunbeams shooting out of their ears after zero sleep.

    Thanks for reading!

  52. Sherri

    Oh Miranda…so sweet. They can test us SO much, but then? Something special catches your eye or a memory comes back, and then it makes it all worthwhile.

  53. JDaniel4's Mom jdaniel4smom.com

    JDaniel has trouble going to sleep, but thankfully he does. He fights his nap somedays. I get frustrated with him because, by then I am tired.

  54. Katie sluiternation.com

    my love for Miranda and her family has no end. she is my bloggy bestie, and she can write like the wind.

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