If you’ve ever wondered how you can make your neighbors completely hate you in no time at all, employ the following helpful tips:
- On the day you move in, be sure to lay on your horn no fewer than 3,208 times during naptime.
- On that same day, be sure to ring your neighbor’s doorbell during naptime and when they don’t answer, pound on their door because you need to “borrow one of those long screwdrivers.”
- When you meet your neighbor’s children, be sure to look the 4-year-old daughter up and down and say, “She suuurrre is purrrty.”
- As your neighbor is struggling to get her two children into the house, ask her, “Hey, did you hear me banging on your door at 1 this morning? I was so drunk, I thought your house was mine!”
- Park your jalopy truck in front of your neighbor’s house. The truck that leaks oil. The time that your neighbors spend cleaning up your oil spills will earn you a special place in their hearts.
- When you see that your neighbor’s children are playing happily in their sandbox, play Eminem at the highest volume your stereo can handle so that they can hear it too.
- When you leave or arrive home at all hours of the day and night, be sure that everyone in your jalopy truck slams his or her car door as many times as humanly possible upon entering and exiting the truck. You get extra neighbor points for each slam.
- When your kids are bored, send them over to your neighbor’s lawn to swing from the limbs of their most fragile tree.
- Be sure to open all of your windows before you have a marital argument in which every other word is “motherf*cker.” Awesome.
- To save electricity, pop out all of the screens in your house that face mine and lay your clothes over every windowsill. Classy.
Can you please make me feel better with your awful neighbor stories?
I can’t be the only one who is being driven completely insane!