Always

 

Sweet Matthew,

Today was a tough day for mommy.

I had to make a decision that impacts you and it hurts my heart.

Mommy and Daddy are trying to make a baby brother or sister for you.

But, we’re not having any luck.

Mommy still nurses you in the morning and at night and those quiet moments with you are amongst my favorites of the entire day.

For nearly 18 months, we have greeted and closed the day nursing and connecting with one another.

But now, we will begin the day differently. With hugs and snuggles. With giggles and smiles.

We want so badly to give you another sibling.

Another person that you can lean on.

Another person to make you laugh.

Another person to love you when Mommy and Daddy are no longer here.

So, we will nurse a bit less to see if that helps.

It hurts me to take from you so that I can give to you.

We will still nurse at night and I will savor those moments with you.

My sweet boy. You will always be my baby.

Always.

I promise you.

Always.

I love you, sweet Matthew,

Mommy

44 comments

  1. Frelle jennafarelyn.blogspot.com

    been there. i know the bittersweet you are talking about, and i love how tenderly you have written to him here. <3

  2. That's a harder one on mommy, but what tenderness you give to your little one too! Praying your morning snuggles and giggles will be over and beyond the joy you have together even now. Hugs!

  3. I’m sorry. How rough this must be for you. So sweet to write this and how rough it must be for you. Sending you huge hugs and support. And loads of love.

  4. Yuliya shesuggests.com

    You are meeting all of his needs Nichole and even this transition is slow, gradual and so respectful of him. You are a wonderful mom.

  5. Pam mommacan.com

    I am going to wish so hard for you tonight. What a precious boy. My oldest had to wait a long, long, while. Now they are two peas in a pod, a lopsided pod but still a pod. Part of the nurturing out of the womb is the heart beat. The babies first lesson is the sound of your voice and the rhythm of your heart. When you hold him close and snuggle with him his heart remembers those times.

  6. SquashedMom

    I will always remember that sad feeling when it was all over. I loved nursing so.

    But for you? I hope this is the magic juju that does the trick. (well, you have to do that other trick along with it, too ;-)

  7. Oh Nichole. I feel for you. Stay strong. *hugs*

  8. Frume Sarah

    So achingly honest. Sending hugs.

  9. Sherri

    Oh I am so teary over here…..sitting on the couch with my huge baby boy next to me. Your little guy loves you so much, and I know this was a gut-wrenching decision for you, Nichole.

    Hugs to you…

  10. Rachel mommyneedsavacation.com

    They grow up so fast! I hope that this helps in creating a new sibling! I know this was a difficult decision for you! Hugs…xoxoxo

  11. sugarbowlmix

    Parenting throws such hard decisions our way and sometimes it almost breaks us. Sending new baby thoughts your way.

  12. TheNextMartha

    Beautiful and warm.

  13. Selena annieandisabel.com

    Very sweet letter to Matthew~ he's precious
    Good luck on #3…
    very exciting feeling when you've made the decision for another baby;)

  14. Booyah's Momma chipandbobo.com

    I had such a hard time weaning my youngest (and last) child. There is something so precious about having that quiet, alone time. It really is something to savor.

    He knows how much you love him. And the tradeoff? Priceless.

  15. @2bKate twitter.com/2bKate

    This made me teary cuz I know I will have go through this with Ava at some point … hugs mama!!

  16. Teresa tkander.blogspot.com/

    I remember how difficult a time this is…prayers for you and Matthew!!!

  17. tracy sellabitmum.com

    Oh hon – hugs to you. I know how hard this is. Much love. xo

  18. Jen Has A Pen jenhasapen.com

    I can only imagine how difficult this transition will be – more for you than for him, probably, huh? I am sure you've tried your very best to freeze time over and over again. I wish you luck with making this as painless as possible. Thinking of you.

  19. Cate catelinden.com

    I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now. My daughter is almost 2, and we've had a long and wonderful nursing relationship. But this summer I'm going to wean her so that my husband and I can try for another…both to increase our chances and to protect against nursing-during-morning-sickness. :-) I am looking forward to it in its own way, but mostly sad for the end of our breastfeeding relationship.

  20. ksluiter

    so heartbreaking.

    "It hurts me to take from you so that I can give to you."

    This is how I feel about having another baby. Exactly.

    Oh Nichole. You are in my heart.

  21. This is so beautiful, and I am sorry you feel like you are taking something away from him. You are transitioning so slowly and respectfully. He will never, ever doubt your love and caring for him, no matter how many times you nurse or don't nurse. Your words exude such strong, unconditional love for your kids. They are so very lucky. I'll be thinking about you and hope that the transition goes well.

  22. So so so beautiful. He's very lucky.

  23. Krista notmommyoftheyear.com

    I felt the same way when I was pregnant with Cole. And it was the stories that you told here, Nicole, that made me feel like it was all going to be OK. That made envision the days when they would play together and tell secrets instead of worry about how I would divide my attention, my arms, my love between two babies.

    I still have days where I feel torn and I suppose that might never change. But seeing the two of them together is such a wonderful feeling, that I never could have anticipated. You were so very right then. And you are now.

    Thinking of you both!

  24. Kir thekircorner.com

    the picture GOT ME. Oh wow….you know I never breastfed, but when it was time to give up the nighttime bottles or the time in the rocking chair (No one wants to rock it out with me anymore, they'd rather watch Diego) I felt this way, like I didn't know what I was missing, but I knew something had changed.

    You know that is actually something that is going to give him something MORE in his life and for that he'll thank you later…I am just wishing your heart the comfort with being able to stop those feedings knowing that your love for Matthew is as strong and good and nourishing as it ever was.
    xo

  25. My heart goes out to you. Weaning has been my least favorite part of motherhood. I hated doing it with Ainsley, and I don't want to even think about it with Freddie yet. Good luck, I'll be thinking about you.

  26. Your posts bring a tear to my eye lately. I pray that God will bless you and your family. He has great plans for you!

  27. Mad Woman adiaryofamadwoman.com

    Oh my sweet Nichole. I know too well how hard this is. I pray your heart's desire is fulfilled! And that Matthew handles this peacefully.

  28. alison thishomemadelife.com

    Oh those nursing days are so precious! My heart aches for you knowing how hard it is to give up. My hope is that you will find peace and comfort in your new routine. Those sweet moments will still be there, just different.

  29. Matthew is a gorgeous little boy.. who knows how much his mommy loves him.
    I can't imagine how hard this must be for you – this sacrificing, this taking away – but know that his bond with you will not change. And, you are trying to give him a great gift- the joy of being a big brother.
    As always, beautifully written. It is tender, poignant, and so very beautiful.

  30. I can almost hear your heart breaking. What a sweet sweet picture of him. I continue to have you on my mind and I'm blowing the baby dust as far as I can!

  31. This was so sweet, Nichole. I hope that you all get what you are wishing for very soon.

  32. jessica fourplusanangel.com

    Oh you are bringing back memories of weaning my youngest. So tough, but there are a million other special moments you will have with Matthew as you make room for his new sibling to have his or her own moments too.

  33. tsonoda148

    Such a bittersweet time, weaning from breast-feeding. Even if just cutting back. That bond stays with you forever, though, I can promise you that, my friend. Godspeed on your endeavors with your son and the new one hopefully coming along very soon!

  34. Jennie B wantapeanut.com

    He is such a beautiful child. Your bond will be there always.

  35. So thoughtful and mindful of others – always. You will have a million moments!

  36. Melissa confessionsofadrmom.com

    What a gorgeous picture of Matthew. Hugs to you.XO Hope the transition goes well for both of you :)

  37. MamaTrack

    Oh, Nichole, I so feel for you. I weaned the toddler in March (at 20 months) for the same reason. Our nursing relationship was a beautiful, special bond, and I still miss it. I'm sending hugs and baby dust your way.

  38. This is so lovely. I know that he will totally understand that you still love him to the moon and beyond. Good luck my friend.

  39. Leigh Ann thetwinspin.blogspot.com

    It’s so hard when it’s not your decision. I thought my youngest was trying to self wean at around 10 months, but it turned out to be jut a phase. But in the meantime I surprised at how emotional the thought of it being beyond my control made me.

    I know Matthew will love and savor those morning hugs and snuggles too.

  40. mamamezzo

    This is a very sweetly sad piece. 18 months is fantastic. You have given him a great gift. And trying to conceive can be extremely trying. It was for me, anyway. But now we have a story to tell her about how badly we wanted her and what we were willing to undergo. And she's a handful so whenever I get frustrated it helps me to remember, too, how badly we wanted her in our lives.

  41. Moving on is so bittersweet! You still have those snuggled and hugs, and those you both can share indefinitely.

    Sweet post. So good, as usual, Nichole. Thanks for sharing.

  42. Kate modernalternativemama.com

    I hope it works for you. It is so hard to let go of nursing. :( But so worth it to have another one, and see the babies playing together and loving each other in the sibling relationship! (And truthfully if it works and you get pregnant, you CAN go back to it without problems…my son had to night wean for me to get pregnant, but then nursed at night again for a few weeks after I found out I was pregnant.)

  43. Tonya lettersforlucas.com

    Good luck with the transition… I know how hard it must be.

  44. MamaRobinJ farewellstranger.com

    So tough. Really hoping, with crossed fingers and everything, that it gets you where you want to be.

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