I have a tremendous problem with achieving balance in my life.
There is also little that I love more than learning and fully immersing myself in new things.
Combining these two traits has proven unhealthy on many occasions.
My latest obsession? Blogging. Since my first post just over a month and a half ago, I have both lost my mind and found it. Let me explain.
Writing this blog has awoken a part of who I am that has been lying dormant since before Katie was born and I have found refuge in it. Writing again has helped me to remember who I am, aside from being mother to Katie and Matthew and wife to Craig. I have immersed myself in this blog, either writing, thinking about the things that I want to write, or dreaming of all of the things that I can do to improve this little space of mine that is mine alone.
Then the other day, I found myself deep in thought about a post and could faintly hear Katie asking me to play. When I brought my mind around to her and focussed on what she was saying, I saw an expression on her face that looked remarkably like loneliness and my heart broke.
This is not the mother that I want to be.
One of the things that I’ve always been proud of is that I am a present parent. I gave up my career to be a stay-at-home mom so that I could be here, not just physically, but mentally, raising and nurturing my children each day.
Craig has also taken a hit lately. He was talking to me the other day, referencing an earlier conversation and I realized that I must not have been listening because my recollection of the conversation was dreamlike–only bits of it penetrated my thoughts.
This is not the wife that I want to be.
Writing this blog has made me a better mother and wife in many ways–I am happier, thus healthier mentally, than I was before I began writing. But, there is no denying that my balance is off.
So, I took the past weekend off from blogging, tweeting, and reading other blogs to regroup. In so many ways, it was wonderful–we took Katie for bike rides, we read lots of books, and we played trains. We tickled Matthew’s toes, we held hands, and we had evening dance parties in our living room.
But, a huge part of me was missing this little space that I’ve carved out for myself and I felt like I needed to write. The solution cannot be all or nothing. I have to find a way to create balance and to learn moderation.
In his journal, Henry David Thoreau questioned, “How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live?”
I have to be able to stand up to live AND sit down to write; these two goals cannot be mutually exclusive.