There have been days when I haven’t enjoyed being Matthew’s mother.
There have been days when I have resented him for pulling me from Katie.
There have been days when I have fantasized about getting a job outside the home so that I could get a break from him.
He is beautiful and sweet. He is tender and vulnerable. He is mine.
Though I never lost sight of the fact that I was truly blessed to have been given this healthy, beautiful baby boy, there were days when I wondered what I had done to our threesome by adding him to our family.
In those first days after we brought him home, I cried every day. I cried for the lost time with my treasured Katie. I cried because I couldn’t wholly give myself to her the way I always had. I cried, wondering if life would eventually even out. I cried at the thought that the most I could imagine was getting used to him. I cried because I felt such shame.
As the early weeks passed, he became gassy and cried so often that I felt that I might truly go crazy. It killed me that there were times when he cried so much that I couldn’t hear Katie when she spoke to me. When Craig’s two months of paternity leave ended I was wracked with fear that I wouldn’t be able to go it alone. I had never before questioned my ability as a mom.
I resented him in a way that I felt a mother shouldn’t. And I hated myself for it.
Friends had told me it would be much harder once I had two children–that I would feel torn between them. I never could have imagined just how much my heart would break day in and day out.
No one told me that it was okay to feel the way I did. No one told me that it didn’t make me a bad mother.
There were days sprinkled in where I loved him so much I thought I’d explode. There were days when I knew that I was meant to have him. These are the days that I clung to, as they represented what could be.
As time has passed, I have come to love him as I do Katie. I know that I am not me without him. He has changed me and he has taught me about love in the most difficult of times. He needs me and his eyes tell me just how much he loves me.
He is now five months old and I treasure him. I eagerly await his morning smiles. I breathe him in and marvel at how far we’ve come in these months. He giggles and plays with his feet and I can spend hours kissing his belly. I love my quiet moments with him when he reaches for my hand and touches my face. I often catch myself thinking of these past months, feeling as though they were lost. I wonder if I would appreciate him as much as I do if I hadn’t gone through such a difficult time. With each passing day, I feel the bond between us strengthening and I am so incredibly grateful for him.
He is mine. And I am his.